Evil Kids

I've always been a big fan of horror movies. When I was younger, I used to watch this movie called Murder By Phone, which my research from IMBD indicates, is about a former phone company employee designing a device that kills people when they pick up the phone. And it's up to some guy to stop the killer...

All I really remember about the movie was the phone ringing and people picking it up saying "Hello?" and immediately suffering some horrible death. I used to call it "The Lady Scream" presumably because ladies did quite a bit of screaming throughout the film. My mother likes to retell the story of how she had a friend over and I came out of the family room and said "Mumma, can you put on The Lady Scream?"

Over time, my tastes in horror movies matured a little bit. I still liked bad music in combination with predictable mistakes and scenarios - but also ventured into some more in depth horror films. My favourite horror movie is called The Descent because it's intense and really lets the viewer into the mindset of the characters.

Some of the most intriguing horror movies are those dealing with children being the Devil incarnate or straight up bad. I've learned a few things about kids from horror movies and if I ever have children, I will not totally rule out that they might be the Devil.

For starters, if I move into a new apartment and have pushy neighbours and have a bad dream about demonic creatures and end up pregnant right after - I will consider that my child is potentially the Devil, and avoid naming the baby Adrian.

If I have a little boy and I can't remember his birth and he has jet black hair and animals are afraid of him and bad things keep happening and my husband and I get an application from a creepy nanny - I will not hire the nanny and also consider that my child might be the son of Satan. I will also avoid naming him Damien.

I recently watched a movie about a child who at the onset, did not seem evil. But she had all the signs and I wanted to jump into the movie and say "She's evil! She's definitely a demon!" She had the long dark hair and the pale skin and the glazed over eyes and sickly sweet smile. If the kid didn't like someone or someone interfered with her evil plans, they ended up dead. Of course, since the child had not fully matured into the Devil, people ended up dead if she didn't get ice-cream.

The thing about evil kids is that it's hard to admit to yourself that you might be raising the spawn of Satan. On the other hand, when you finally admit that something is amiss with the little one, it's almost impossible to remedy the situation. If the kid is in fact a demon or has some connection to the Devil, it's hard to get rid of them. You illicit help and those people who try to help you end up dead.

I've decided I should keep movies about demonic children on hand, so I can reference them if I end up with one of those creepy kids who walks up to me and says "Hi Mommy," in that unusually monotone voice. I've decided that if I do end up with the child of Satan, I'll let them know I'm onto them, so they don't have to hide their evilness any longer. Then, I'll try to bargain with them.

"Hey kiddo, if you want to unleash hell on the world that's fine with me, but can ya help me set the table first?"